August 29, 2010 – It was five years ago when Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans, and the city commemorated the solemn occasion by holding a parade over the weekend to honor Former President George W. Bush and FEMA for their outstanding efforts in helping the city through one of its most difficult moments in history.

“Thanks a lot, Bush,” was the common sentiment expressed in New Orleans after the hurricane struck, and this same sentiment still resonates through its appreciative citizens to this day.

“FEMA and Bush are entirely responsible for what happened to this city after Katrina,” said one woman, while one of her neighbors added, “I can’t imagine anyone who would have treated us the way Bush and FEMA did.”

Such high praise was evident immediately following the aftermath of Katrina, when thousands of residents took to their rooftops, many joyously jumping up and down while waving to and sometimes even screaming at passing helicopters.  Many people spray-painted the words “Bush” and “FEMA” on their homes to showcase their unyielding gratefulness towards the American government.

“Where is FEMA?” was the most widespread phrase seen and spoken throughout the community.  It was apparent that the indebted citizens couldn’t wait for FEMA to show up so that they could thank them for all that they had done for the city of New Orleans during such a difficult time.

Some of the most memorable moments of Katrina were experienced by those individuals who sought refuge in the Superdome.  People who were fortunate enough to spend those luxury-filled days in the high-end facility took a moment to share their fondest memories.

“I saw things beyond my comprehension,” said one person.  “I couldn’t believe that our government would treat anyone like this, least of all its own citizens.”

The praise didn’t end there.  Many people lined the streets at the time to tell Bush and FEMA exactly what they felt about them.

“Bush and FEMA need to hear this,” said one man on a megaphone.  “They need to hear what the people of New Orleans feel about what was done to us.”

Five years later and the denizens of New Orleans are still expressing their gratitude towards Bush and FEMA.  Yesterday the entire city gathered in a rally and parade to mark the anniversary of the Katrina disaster.

“This is so we never forget [how much we love George W. Bush and FEMA],” was the common theme of the rally.

President Bush and FEMA were both invited as “special guests” for the rally and many citizens were hoping that they would come so they could share their memories of the events five years ago.

“I sure wish Bush would show his face here,” said members of the growing crowd in a rally held before the parade.  “I’d love to tell him how New Orleans feels about the way we were treated.  In fact I’d love to show him some of that same treatment myself.”

FEMA sent a recently hired intern as a representative to participate in the parade, however upon entering the state of Louisiana the intern mysteriously disappeared and has not been heard from since.

“He probably ran into some good-ole boys who showed him some of our traditional Southern hospitality,” said one member of New Orleans’ city council.

Bush also did not attend the parade, but humbly accepted the appreciation of the city of New Orleans.

“I am proud that the country of Louisiana is back,” he said from his underground bunker at an undisclosed location.  “I’m only sorry that I couldn’t be there to commemorate this special occasion.  Trust me there is no other place in the world I’d rather visit.  No really.  I love visiting South America.  It’s a beautiful place.  I’ve always felt welcome there.  I can’t tell you how many people have said ‘I wish Bush would come down here so I can show him what New Orleans thinks of him.’  It’s nice to know that I’ve left such a legacy behind.”

He went on to admit that he wished he could have done even more than he did for the city, if that were only possible.

“I suppose my harshest critics would argue that I could have done a tad more for them, but I’m telling you the two minutes I spent thinking about what was happening to New Orleans during Katrina were the hardest two minutes of my life.  I only wish the annual Texas Barbeque Grilling Cook-off Festival hadn’t been held that same weekend or else I could have devoted a few more minutes to it.”

August 28, 2010 – America has walked in darkness for long enough, according to Glenn Beck.  At a rally held on Saturday in Washington DC, Beck pleaded to a very uncomfortable and perplexed crowd that through his faith in God the country can relive the good-old “non-dark” days of yore.

“It’s time America got lighter again,” he said.

Often criticized for his lack of interest in diversity, Beck insisted that his vision for the revitalization of America was about including everyone.

“America is for everyone no matter who they are, whether it be conservatives or right-wing non-liberal activists, from Christians to Jesus followers, from white straight guys to non-gay, non-Jewish, non-black or Hispanic non-women.  In America everyone is welcome to change their views so that they match mine.”

In a rambling and often confused speech, Beck reiterated over and over about how in his opinion America has gotten much too dark recently.

“Since the last presidential election, America has gotten a lot darker, in fact it’s gotten really dark, particularly in the White House,” he said.  “I mean it’s gotten really dark.  Very dark.  Dark.”

He reflected on what he called the good old days when things were much lighter.

“Remember the 80’s, when Ronald Reagan was in office?  Now that was a non-dark administration.  Reagan was as light as you can get.  Though I think if we look even further back at Eisenhower – now things back then were far lighter than they are now. Wasn’t it great how light and dark were so segregated…I mean separated back then?  Those were the days of America, where everyone who shared only my ideals and beliefs had an opportunity for success and happiness.  It’s time we brought that America back.”

He continued by explaining to the very uneasy crowd his plan for revitalizing the country.

“We need to bring America back to the 1950’s.  This is trickier than it sounds.  We tried bringing the economy back to the fifties but unfortunately we went back too far to 1935 and now we’re stuck there.  Well, you’re all stuck there because I make more money a year than all of you combined will make in your lifetimes, all just for sitting in my chair and making things up as I go along.  But that’s another topic.  Let’s get back to the 1950’s.  Culture in the 1950’s was much better.  Lighter.  Non-dark.  That’s America.”

The climate at the rally grew even more uncomfortable when at one point he issued a new slogan for this revitalization campaign.

“Knock on the door of opportunity.  Keep your faith in God.  And Know that we’re going to succeed.  Knock, Keep, Know.  Knock, Keep, Know.  KKK.  Say it with me!”

He also responded to critics who felt that the timing of this rally was inappropriate given the fact that it was held on the anniversary of Dr. Martin Luther King’s legendary civil rights speech, especially those who felt that Beck’s rally had an allegedly racist undertone.

“The timing was coincidental.  I am not a racist.  I love colored people.  I’ve even met a few of them in my life and not once did I reach for my gun.  For another thing, this rally has nothing to do with me trying to increase ratings for my show so that I can make even more tens of millions of dollars by exploiting people’s prejudices and ignorance.  That’s definitely not what I’m doing here.  Definitely not.  I just thought I should mention that.”

“Dark.”

“It’s an exciting night,” said some blond actress who is on some show.  “I got so swept up in the excitement I almost ate an almond.”

Another blond actress, or perhaps it was the same one, was in total agreement.

“It’s like exciting and stuff,” she said.

“Glee” is apparently the front-runner in the Best Comedy category.  While no one has actually watched the show, rumor has it that it takes place in a high school and there allegedly is some sort of singing involved.  It stars several people you have never heard of and Jane Lynch.

The biggest competition for “Glee” will likely be a show called “30 Rock” which stars SNL alum and Tina Fey impersonator Sarah Palin and from what we’re told it is supposedly hilarious, or so the producers insist.

The Best Drama category has a show called “Mad Men” which is on some unknown channel between the Home Shopping Network and the 24-hour Jesus Network.  Viewers who are fortunate enough to find this show on its elusive network seem to like it, though not one person we spoke to could tell us exactly what the show is about.

While the top-rated shows (those with a dozen viewers or more) were successful in nabbing the attention of the Emmy voters, there were a few promising shows released earlier this season that were sadly overlooked by the awards committee.

The producers of the Fox action-drama “CPA: Accountant at Large” starring 67-year-old Yiddish theater veteran Hamish Finkelstein as a CPA who also fights crime by auditing criminals were both surprised and disappointed that their show didn’t fare better.

“We were looking for a thriller, and we know how exciting accounting is to most people, so it was unexpected when the concept never quite caught on with audiences,” they admitted.

Other shows that were notably omitted from Emmy contention included the new game show “Sell Your Baby for Cash,” the romantic situation-comedy “My Girlfriend has an STD,” and an inspiring reality documentary about the plight of a wealthy heiress entitled “I said I wanted a BLUE Porche!”

August 25, 2010 – Proving all of her critics wrong, Lindsay Lohan demonstrated her remarkable and as of yet undiscovered acting abilities in her latest film where she portrays a spoiled, untalented starlet whose reckless partying and disorderly conduct ultimately lands her in jail and a rehabilitation center.

The film, which as of yet has no name, is a riveting tale of a girl who is forced to spend a grueling 10 minutes in jail after having what she calls “fun and stuff” (including minor offenses like disorderly conduct, reckless endangerment, and usage of illegal narcotics).

As if the 10-minute jail sentence weren’t cruel enough, the girl is further victimized by the so-called “justice system” when she is immediately subjected to another 2 minutes of drug rehabilitation.  At the end of the film the maltreated starlet is forced to give exclusive interviews to media outlets that pay her millions of dollars while she has to pretend to give a crap about what has happened to her.

Lohan’s representative feels that the movie is a poignant look at the tragic lives that attention-craved starlets must endure just to make a fortune for doing absolutely nothing constructive whatsoever.

“It’s the injustice of it all that sets this role apart,” Lohan’s representative explained.  “This actress, I mean character, just wanted to drink and do illegal drugs and party all of the time and draw people’s attention away from the really important issues in the news like the downturn of the economy or the fact that the world is headed for an imminent apocalyptic doom, and so to have the justice system punish her by exposing this poor girl to 12 minutes of torturous sitting and yawning is clearly excessive and uncalled for.”

Lohan herself said she hopes this film will help to change the justice system and to demonstrate that she herself is an intelligent individual who is serious about tackling controversial issues.

“It’s like, you know, wrong and stuff, and, like, I don’t, like, you know, understand what the, wait, like, what was the question?” she said.

If she wins the Oscar, which it is highly anticipated that she will, it will be the first time an actress will win the Best Actress category for being in a film that has no title, no directors or producers, and was never released by a film corporation.

Lohan is not the only one who appears to be Oscar-bound so early in the season.  Not to be outdone, Mel Gibson seems to be a shoo-in for Best Actor for his recent portrayal of a hypocritical Christian right-wing blowhard who beats his wife in the face while shouting incomprehensible obscenities into a microphone obscurely hidden in her breast implants.

“He really took this role on full-steam,” said Gibson’s publicist who oddly enough refused to be identified and has since left the country.

Gibson himself appears to be very grateful for his recent spurt in popularity.

“I BETTER WIN OR ELSE I’M GOING TO PUNCH YOUR F%#@^G FACES IN YOU MOTHERF$#%ING SONS OF B&*%^ES!” he jokingly stated to his parishioners at his regular Sunday morning church pancake breakfast.

We’re all pulling for you on Oscar night, Mel.

August 24, 2010 – In an unexpected press conference at the White House earlier today, President Obama announced his selection of former Alaskan Governor and 2008 Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin as the new Ambassador to North Korea.

“I think the choice was obvious to everyone,” Obama explained to a stone-faced crowd of representatives of the United Nations.  “Sarah Palin has proven to be just the type of personality who can relate to North Korean leader Kim Jong Il.  In fact I think she’s the only person in the world who truly understands him.”

He went on to praise her intelligence and objectivity.

“Sarah Palin represents America at its best,” the President said.  “She’s feisty yet doesn’t let her personality get bogged down with unimportant factors like intelligence and knowledge and awareness.  She’s proof that you don’t have to be smart to find work, which is what being an American is all about.  We can all learn from her example.”

Palin gladly accepted the offer, though she admittedly was caught off-guard when she first discovered she had gotten the role.

“Gosh darn it was I happy,” she said upon hearing the news.  “I was so surprised I almost dropped my rifle.”

She said she is looking forward to visiting North Korea, and hopes to be able to use her extensive foreign relation experience there.

“I haven’t been there recently, in the last five or twenty years, or ever, but I was in Koreatown in Los Angeles for ten minutes and didn’t get shot, which I think more than qualifies as relatable experience,” she said.

She also cited other areas of expertise that she felt would be useful in her new role.

“I’m a big fan of Chinese food, so that’ll help.  I know China isn’t Korea but the Orientals all look the same, and Asia is one big country so who cares, right?”

While she is excited to start her new role, she admitted she had one concern prior to her first visit to North Korea.

“I know I’ll be fine as long as they let me use real silverware when I eat,” she said.  “If they insist on chopsticks I’ll tell them exactly what I told the manager last Wednesday at PF Chang’s – I’m an American, and real Americans use forks, not chopsticks.  You betcha Kip Jungle Eel will get a kick outta that!”